Building an Ark…Idiots need not apply.

When you live in an area that has been completely drenched in rain for a good portion of the last few weeks you have to start to find the humor in it as the rivers’ flood and mosquitoes plot their attempts at world domination over large puddle of standing water.  I decided yesterday that I was going to build a hypothetical ark and then spend some of my free time deciding who or what was not welcome.  If you know your Bible stories you know that the original story has Noah taking 2 of every creature and all the bad in the world was washed away.  I think it is time for another cleansing as I glance at the news every day and shake my head.  So I formed a small beginning list of those not invited and I reserve the right to add to the list (which I undoubtedly will).  So without further ado (why do we say that?!) and to help out those of you who have been obsessing about whether or not you’ve made the cut, I present the preliminary list..so far:

1. BP-  Not like we officially need to have a reason, I’m pretty sure the millions of gallons of oil spilling into the Gulf region right now serves as more then sufficient evidence for most people, but believe it or not, I feel the need to explain further.  As a huge proponent of having a plan, I have to vote BP off the island on this one.  Like the saying goes “He who fails to plan, plans to fail” and this is probably one of the epic FAILS of all time.  How did you not have a plan before you started drilling to cover the one major “what if” and if you did have a plan, how come it sucked?  Seeing as how I’m making an Ark I will need water to sail it on and I prefer my water less oily..sorry BP.
2. Vuvuzela- Not a particular person, I know, but I am creating the least sucky environment possible here and I think these lovely noise makers that are providing the background music (re:noise) to the 2010 World Cup would really be unappreciated both in the confined space of an Ark and in the new world in general.  They are loud, obnoxious and obviously owned and used by people who could care less about the outcome on the field because the constant blaring makes it almost impossible for teams to communicate via any form of sound.  It also prevents those of us who have to watch via television to listen to commentary because after a while you either have to make the effort to tune it out and just listen to commentators or you have to hit mute.  These horns are nothing new to the world of sports but apparently they struck gold in South Africa and are being introduced en mass to the rest of the world.  I’m pretty sure Nelson Mandela would agree with me on this one.
3. Sidney Crosby-  If you know me you saw this coming and for those of you that like him, I honestly have valid reasons.  Most of those valid reasons have to do with the constant over marketing of this guy by all his sponsors, his team and his country.  I’m pretty sure he was the sole sponsor of the Vancouver Olympics because at every turn on NBC his name  came up or his picture did.  Or his ugly shoes…or the stupid dryer commercial for ESPN…or a comparison of him to Mario.  In a city filled with the best hockey players in the world you would have thought he was surrounded by pee-wee players because of the attention he got.  Nevermind the rest of Team Canada, to see NBC show it, Sidney’s goal won them a gold medal.  Forget his whole team’s play to that point or gloss over his lack of production in the Games until that point, all that matters is you give us more face time with Pittsburgh’s 2nd coming.  I really think the next commercial they should have him do should be similar to the Kobe Bryant “Hate me because…” commercials from a few years ago because then when it came on I could yell “No…we hate you because you’re an over-exposed jackass…figure it out!”
4. Speaking of Kobe….-  Kobe Bryant hasn’t made the cut for a while simply because he was an ass during a playoff series in Detroit and then from there on in it all pretty much ties to the same reasons I hate OJ Simpson- the stuff they couldn’t prove in court but the stuff we all know ya did.
5. “Avatar”-  It is like the Sidney Crosby of movies, every where you turn, there it is.  It looks creepy and random and from the second I saw the preview in theaters 6 months before its’ release I thought “Nah”.  Then it came out and people just keep talking about how wonderful it is.  Really?  Does it draw a detailed map to the Fountain of Youth cause otherwise it is just a movie and I need people to recognize that.  I also need people to stop trying to convince me that if I would just watch I’d love it.  I don’t want to watch it, I’m not going to watch it and you repeating to me how it is the best movie ever only further improves my opinion of second rate movies that I at least wanted to watch and waste my time on.  James Cameron can stay behind with his movie too.
6. Miley Cyrus- Short and sweet and to the point: Another Disney made star lashing out at Disney via interviews and music lyrics.  Nothing redeeming about a person so indifferent and ungrateful to a company that made her into a star in the first place.  Oh and her acting isn’t that good, if people would really pay attention.
7. Bugs- Spare me the “benefits of insects” talk.  Unless they can clean oil out of water then I don’t care.  Bugs suck.
8. Joran van der Sloot- Aside from the fact that he falls into the “We all know what you did” category, he continues to become more and more loathsome by the day.  Today he added “complete moron” to his list of attributes by saying he only signed a confession after he was tricked into thinking he would be sent to a prison back home.  Really?  Really?  You speak like 4 languages, you’ve studied abroad and yet suddenly your powers to translate the language left you?  Is there such a thing as temporary stupidity?  He must think there is if he thought that was going to convince us that we’ve got it all wrong.  He also would have to plead that when he goes to trial for extortion.  That move was on par with the OJ “If I Did It” book.  How are you going to defend that one?  “I didn’t kill Natalee but if you pay me I’ll tell you where we hid the body.”  How have officials not caught this dumbass before now?  Plus I’m betting if he was allowed to board the Ark he still wouldn’t make it because he’s sharing space with a hitman in his Peru jail, I’m pretty sure that problem is going to fix itself.
9. Spencer Pratt- Just because I’m pretty sure you can’t fix that kinda crazy.

It is a starter list…only 9.  Going to need to weed out more than that?  Suggestions…anyone, anyone?  Must provide a valid reason is the only qualification.  Feel free to (over) share.

Sarah